Parenting Without Punishment Vol. XV
Your weekly resource for raising children with compassion, curiosity, and connection (not consequences, coercion, and control)
Beneficial for ALL children — VITAL for highly sensitive children
✨ Ready for this week?! Let's dive in! 👇
Volume XV: connecting with your teen (even when they’re pulling away)
❤️ Q&A- questions from you, answers for you
QUESTION OF THE WEEK:
Q: I feel like I used to know everything about my child - they never left my side (even when I wanted to them to). But now I feel like I know nothing about them. And every time I ask, they seem to shut down or give me attitude. How can I feel close to them still without pushing them away?
A: This is so normal. Many parents feel like their teen has turned into a totally different person overnight. And as much as you may have wished away the clinginess when they were younger, now you’d give anything for just a little of it back—right?
Teens are wired to seek independence, and they often protect their inner world like it’s sacred—because to them, it is. The key is shifting from seeking information to inviting connection through curiosity.
Here are a few ways to stay close without triggering their defenses:
Create regular rituals for connection — not interrogation.
Think: chatting while driving, making tea together, or checking in before bed. Keep it low-pressure. Even questions like “How was your day?” can feel like too much. Let conversations unfold naturally.Respect their privacy so they don’t have to fight for it.
When teens feel trusted, they’re more likely to share. Be up front about boundaries: Are locked doors okay? Do you check their texts? Why or why not? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but clarity and honesty go a long way.Don’t freak out when they do share.
Vulnerability is a risk for teens. If they open up and get a lecture in return, they’ll think twice next time. Try to stay steady. Let the moment be theirs. Don’t fix, don’t hijack, and don’t make it about you.
Staying close to a teen isn’t about having all the answers or all the details. It’s about being a calm, consistent presence they can trust—especially when they’re ready to talk.
What keeps the door open is connection, not control. The goal isn’t to know everything. It’s for them to want to tell you the things that matter most.
📚 Resource Review
PODCAST: Your Parenting Mojo (hosted by Jen Lumanlan) – “8 reasons Your Child Won’t Tell You What’s Wrong — and How to Help”
About the podcast:
Your Parenting Mojo is one of my favorites. Jen Lumanlan, the host, blends developmental science and tons of research with respectful, connected parenting. She brings thoughtful reflection to topics that help parents move beyond surface-level advice. If you care about raising emotionally intelligent kids, this show is a must-listen.
What this episode is about:
This episode explores why kids — especially teens — sometimes shut down emotionally, and how our well-meaning efforts to connect might accidentally backfire. Jen offers compassionate, research-backed strategies to help parents create the emotional safety teens need in order to open up.
Jen combines science and heart with a deep respect for children’s autonomy. Her approach helps to understand the “why” behind behavior and invites deeper connection without control.
Favorite takeaway:
When we lead with trust and genuine curiosity, rather than pressure or worry, teens are more likely to open up on their own timeline. Trust the process — and the relationship.
🎬 Try it out!
CANCEL THE INTERROGATION 🚫
Instead of asking direct or pointed questions like “How was your day?” or “What’s going on with your friends?”, try inviting conversation in a more open-ended, low-pressure way. (Your kids know you well — they can feel pressure with even the slightest hesitation — especially for those people-pleasers always on the lookout for if they’re supposed to perform…).
Try something like:
“I’m trying to get better at just listening instead of fixing things. I’m here if there’s anything on your mind.”
Timing matters.
Choose a natural chatting moment — after dinner, in the car, winding down before bed — and set aside 10 minutes just to be available. You can say something like:
“I don’t have anything big to talk about, just wanted to hang out in case you do.”
Then pause. Let silence do its work. And let go of the outcome. Just let anything happen naturally, but don’t attach to thinking they’ll spill their guts day one.
The big focus: Let them feel in control of what they share and when. Your steady, calm presence says, You don’t owe me your inner world, but I’ll always be here when you’re ready to share it.
🪷 MINDFUL INVITATION
Notice Your Urge to Intervene
The next time your teen seems quiet, moody, or withdrawn, take a moment to pause before jumping in.
Ask yourself:
“Are they uncomfortable with the quiet? Or am I?”
“Am I trying to fix, control, or rescue right now?”
Take three slow breaths before responding. That simple pause can shift the entire dynamic.
Just noticing the urge to intervene is powerful. Often, that urge is more about your discomfort than their needs. When you meet them with calm presence instead of pressure, you create space for true connection to grow.
If you have a parenting question you want me to answer, ask!
And I’m always here to hear what you think of this PWP journey - email me any time! heather@elementsacademy.org or Schedule a call if I can help - I promise, it's all totally doable