Parenting Without Punishment
January 2026: parenting for the day we’re in
Monthly newsletter with practical tools, examples, and real life support for parenting with connection instead of control.
When getting out the door feels hard, how are we supposed to care about big and shiny (or being tiny) New Year’s resolutions?!
Spoiler alert: don’t.
Free yourself from comparison and competition.
Focus on what’s right in front of you.
Take it one step at a time and prioritize what truly needs your energy.
Welcome to January.
WWYD - Q&A:
Parent question:
Getting out the door in the morning is driving me insane. (and the snow is not helping)
Without fail – no matter how prepared I think I am – it’s time to leave, and:
Someone can’t find their boots.
Someone melts down.
Someone suddenly needs a snack / hug / different socks / to tell you a very important story / to pee (for the 19th time)
We were already borderline late. Now we’re embarrassingly late. Everyone’s disheveled. And I’m questioning every decision I’ve ever made.
All that to say, we’re really struggling to get out of the house in the morning - and I’d love it if I could do it without pulling my hair out and screaming at my kids.
Heather’s answer:
First - you are soooooo not alone. Mornings (or really, anytime leaving the house) can feel like a parent’s worst nightmare. Even the best laid plans can unravel in (literally) the blink of an eye.
Here are a few ideas to explore – see if any feel right for you:
Preview a plan together – sometimes what we think is going wrong is not actually what’s going wrong. Ask your child what feels hardest about mornings (just not in the moment you’re trying to leave)
Get on the same page about the goal. Is the goal getting out the door by a certain time? Getting out the door feeling somewhat regulated? Naming the shared goal matters — having it written/drawn somewhere is even better.
Make the plan visual – a checklist, pictures, a whiteboard – anything that shows the steps can help everyone’s nervous system relax (finally).
And yes, visuals work for all ages. Adults need lists, too. Ever gone grocery shopping without one after meal planning? Exactly….
Make contingency plans for when things go sideways and someone (or everyone) is dysregulated
What do they need? (hug, space, music, help?)
What do you need? (self-care and coping strategies)
Come back to your why. Some days you’ll need to choose what matters more:
getting out the door on time or getting out the door with everyone feeling reasonably regulated.
That choice doesn’t make you a bad parent.
It makes you a human parenting younger humans.
Why this is my response:
Because I believe — with every fiber of my being — that children matter as humans, not just as people we’re trying to move along.
I’m a reader and a researcher, and I also trust my gut. When I read something, I pay attention to whether it feels true — for me, for my kids, for our family. And when I’m stuck in moments of stress or confusion, I try to anchor myself back to the ideas that felt right when I felt them deeply.
When I read Raising Human Beings by Dr. Ross Greene, it felt true for us.
That doesn’t mean it has to be your truth. But finding your truth is vital — especially with all the noise in the world.
Whether it’s my words, Greene’s, or someone else’s entirely, my hope is that you find what resonates for you. You know what’s best for your child, your family, and yourself — even if that knowing is hard to access in moments of stress.
At the heart of Raising Human Beings is one simple idea:
Children do well if they can.
When kids struggle, it’s not because they’re lazy, manipulative, or trying to make things hard — it’s because something is getting in the way.
Greene reminds us that:
kids deserve to be partners in problem-solving
behavior is a form of communication
collaboration builds trust, skills, and long-term capacity
Instead of rewards, punishments, or power struggles, he offers a collaborative approach — one where adults and kids work together to understand what’s hard and find solutions that meet everyone’s needs.
If this resonates, here’s a link to purchase Raising Human Beings by Dr. Ross Greene from Bookshop.org.
(This is a Bookshop.org affiliate link — it doesn’t change your price and helps support this newsletter while supporting independent bookstores.)
Should We Still…
Bribe Kids to Get Them to Do What We Want (or Need)?
Many adults grew up with one of two systems:
1. Having no choice.
“Do as I say.”
“Don’t make me ask twice.”
“Because I said so.”
2. The bribe.
Rewards. Stickers. Treats. Promises of something later.
A lot of parents today have moved away from strict authoritarian approaches — but I still see and hear bribery almost every day.
So the ‘should we still…’ for this month is:
If we’re struggling to get our kids to do what we want or need… should we bribe them?
And here’s the fun part where I don’t give you the answer.
Because there isn’t one right answer.
What matters most is that you’re being intentional, not reactive.
If it helps, talk it through:
with your partner (if applicable)
with your kids (depending on age)
Ask yourselves:
What’s our goal here?
What kind of motivation do we want to nurture?
What aligns with our values?
There are thoughtful arguments on both sides of extrinsic motivation (which a bribe would fall under) — motivation that comes from something outside of ourselves, like:
“There’s a surprise in the car waiting for you.”
“If you do this, you can watch a show later.”
“If you do this for me now, you won’t have to do the dishes later.”
In our family, we’ve chosen intrinsic motivation whenever possible — not because it’s better or “right,” but because it feels right for us. Intrinsic motivation comes from within: wanting to feel capable, doing something because it feels meaningful, or wanting to contribute as part of the family.
So when it comes to bribing or not bribing — the answer is yours.
Just try to make it responsive rather than reactive. It tends to come with a lot less guilt. 😉
Want to Try?
Create a Family Plan for Hard Mornings
If getting out the door is a recurring struggle, don’t try to solve it in the moment.
Solve it together, ahead of time.
You might ask:
What could work better?
What do we try first?
What’s our backup plan if that doesn’t work?
Notice it says family plan — include everyone it affects.
And remember: visuals help. Pictures, checklists, or a simple written list can give everyone something to anchor to when emotions run high.
You’re not failing because mornings are hard.
You’re parenting humans — in winter — with snow boots involved.
That counts for a lot. 💛
Remember - I’m doing this, too - right alongside you. And I’m here if you need a cheerleader - email me any time: heather@elementsacademy.org.